First Brian Williams, then Bill O’Reilly, now VA Secretary Robert McDonald. All have confessed to making overblown claims about their military service and achievements. To be fair, all three have since apologized. But is that enough?
As last year’s winner of the Pulitzer Prize for journalism, history and blintze making, I declare that it is not! Truth must prevail over ego. Yes, it’s easy to get carried away when talking about oneself, but that is not acceptable when your every word is being read by millions of admirers. Believe me I know how enticing it can be to distort the truth.
I myself was faced by that temptation not long ago, when I was ordered to Uzbekistan to cover the collapse of the Soviet Union for Life, Look, Playboy, Vogue and Cracked magazines. I had only two days to put the operation together and there were big problems. Getting out of Massapequa, Long Island, on short notice was a challenge. Severe weather was affecting air travel and for a while the mission seemed impossible. All flights to Uzbekistan (aka Who’sBekistan due to its turbulent history of U does it belong to?) were cancelled.
My only alternative was to build and fly my own plane. No problemo. I am a a licensed pilot who has earned a number of international medals for sky writing as well as the Goodyear blimp’s coveted hot air award which includes tires for life. The great grandchildren of Orville and Wilbur Wright are among my closest friends – and may I modestly add — admirers. I personally taught those kids to fly (sob) and they have proven themselves to be eternally grateful. I spent a couple of years with them one week back in 2003 when we celebrated the historic flight of the Wright brothers with the family of Wrong Way Corrigan.
Fast forward to last week. After days of grueling preparation, I was finally ready for my top secret mission and I made that all important call to the anonymous team leader I know only as Dr. No No. After what seemed like hours, he picked up the phone. The voice was unmistakable. “Hello Kanye,” I whispered. “It’s me. Secret Agent H.” Obviously there was no need to identify myself further. “Hi Hillary,” he said. Where ya been keeping yourself? Missed you at the Oscars.”
And so began the most dangerous secret assignment of my long, illustrious and super dangerous military career. Unfortunately, the details must remain top secret for at least the next 100 years or until we land a man (or woman, hint, hint, hint) on Saturn. As an internationally known jewelry lover, I made the choice because of the rings which will be stored in a secret vault under the protection of my dear friend and fellow jewelry maven Nancy Pelosi.
If this is too much for you to comprehend, consider yourself lucky because here’s one time when ignorance is bliss and there is safety in numbers except if you’re in Vegas or at the race track.
Finally, be advised that all of the above – except for the first sentence – is a big, fat lie. So what are you going to do about it? Probably nothing. And I couldn’t care less. I am turning over a new leaf and from this moment forth, I promise to always be truthful. Right now I’m racing out to keep my brunch date with Brian, Bill and Bob. We’re starting out at an adorable restaurant in Syria and then traveling to the Ukraine for pampushki. (Look it up.) See ya.
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.