Weight and See by Harriet Posnak Lesser

This is a repost of one of my favorite columns by my mom, Harriet Posnak Lesser. If you didn’t catch it the first time around, enjoy – and if it’s a reread for you, I bet you laugh out loud as hard as you did the first time you read it.

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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald,   The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.  Here, we get a taste of her considerable sense of humor as she tackles a subject thats near and dear to our hearts – and our hips.  Enjoy …

Weight and See by Harriet Posnak Lesser

Picture this: You’re on a strict, punishing diet and you’re stuck at a plateau. You’re frustrated and angry, so you console yourself by eating something deliciously fattening.  Before you can say, “Chocolate cream pie with extra whipped cream and a side dish of sugar coated walnuts,” you’ve blown your whole diet.

Feeling guilty won’t help.  Looking in the mirror probably will, but don’t go there until you’re at least two weeks into your most recent diet.  (I average about 24 diets a year but we’ll save that for another time.) Search your brain, the one place where you haven’t gained weight, and put the blame where it belongs – on your bathroom scale. Would it break your scale’s heart to move its indicator ¼ of an inch to the left – or to drop one tiny digit from its readout?  Of course not!  Well, here’s how you can fight back and come out a winner …

Weigh yourself before breakfast and before brushing your teeth. (Experts have not yet determined the number of calories in mouthwash, toothpaste or toothbrush bristles.)

Be sure to remove every stitch of clothing.  The flimsiest of nighties can tip the scales the wrong way.  If you wear false eyelashes, put them on afterwards.  Wait to apply cold cream, moisturizers and/or serums. Some of them could be oil-based.  Oil is fat and that’s what you’re trying to get rid of.

Cut your hair. Be sure to remove all rollers, bobby pins and headbands.  Save the hair spray for later.

Always weigh yourself before your bath or shower.  Water gets into body tissue where it can add a pound or more.  Any physics professor will tell you that wet hair weighs more than dry. (See item 3.)

If your scale continues to show a weight gain, move it to a different, more understanding place on the floor.  Make a chalk outline like they do in crime movies.

Now that you’ve found the best location, it’s important to learn the right approach.  Step on the scale with your toes as far forward as possible.  Check your weight. Now move back a smidge and compare results.  To get the kindest reading possible, you should know if your scale is a “frontie” or a “backie.”

Practice getting on the scale.  Do not jump or hop.  The best way is to raise your left foot and gently slide it into position.  Now follow with your right.  If you do this correctly, you’ll be rewarded with a five-toe instead of a ten-toe reading which could mean an instant weight loss of up to 75 pounds.

Keep two scales in your bathroom – one that agrees with your most recent visit to the doctor and another that registers five pounds under. If you don’t like what you see on the first one, try the second.

Paste the above set of rules on your medicine cabinet and forget about dieting.  On a scale of 0 to 300, it’s a bad idea.

Copyright 2014 Harriet Lesser

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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.