When Melody, my editor, asked me to do an article on fall fashions, I raced to the phone and called the hippest news service in New York, UFI, United Fashionistas International. Here’s how the conversation went:
“I’m doing a story on style trends for 2015/16, can you connect me with The Source?”
“Which one? The unidentified source, the usually reliable source, the source close to the case, the source who didn’t want her name used or the unimpeachable source? On second thought, forget about unimpeachable. She’s been assigned to the White House for another year and a half.”
“Let’s start with ‘usually reliable.’ EverBeautiful has a flawless reputation to uphold.”
“She’s not in. She was due two hours ago, but she’s never on time. The unidentified source is here. Would you like to speak with her?”
“Sure, put her on.”
“No can do. Once she’s identified, she loses credibility. I could send out a few feelers and have her contact you. That’s accepted procedure.
“Never mind. I’ll go with the source who doesn’t want her name used.”
“I can tell you’re new at this. The unidentified source and the source who doesn’t want her name used are one and the same. Whoever she is.”
“Look, my job is on the line. I need breaking news, an exclusive inside report, a previously unpublished development, a shocker, a startling twist, an exciting piece of information that has come to my attention. You know, the kind of stuff you feed Vogue, Elle, and the New York Post.”
“All right, you win. What I’m about to say could earn you a Pulitzer. Listen carefully because I’m not going to repeat: The latest fall fashion trends are stripes, black and white, faux fur, long skirts and anything orange. Pantsuits are back for fall 2015. But they may be out by November 2016. Are we on the same page?”
“Wow. Thanks a mil. Can I quote you in my story?”
“Absolutely. And you can even use my name. It’s A. Spokesperson.”
Copyright 2015 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.