New Year Resolutions by Harriet Posnak Lesser

Making New Year’s resolutions this year? I am. The same ones I made last year and the year before and the year before that. But I’m adding a new one to my list this year. I resolve to keep posting my mom’s articles because they are the funniest things I’ve ever read. I hope you agree! Happy New Year and may it bring you health, wealth, love and laughter. (I guarantee that the writings of Harriet Lesser will bring you the latter.) xo, Melody

*********************************************************

New Year Resolutions by Harriet Posnak Lesser

I resolve to lose another 100 pounds this year.  (I dropped the same 10 pounds 10 times last year. Figure it out.)

Disregard first resolution.  Instead of losing another 100 pounds, I resolve to grow five inches.

I will be polite to everyone at all times – except maybe those !@#%^ telemarketers who call at dinner time.

I will be more tolerant of others.  Some others, but not the others I really don’t like.

I will never again be seen in public with straggly hair and chipped nail polish.

I will buy a new hat and gloves.  (See resolution above.)

I resolve to stop walking the dog with my hair in pin curls and nothing but moisturizer on my face. (It scares the other animals and absolutely terrorizes their owners.)

I will learn a foreign language.  (How do you say, “I love you” in Meow?)

I will get rid of clothing I haven’t worn for the past 30 years.  (The crinolines will definitely go, but I may hold on to the gaucho pants a little while longer.)

I will not lose my temper or use bad language, no matter how p—-d off I get.

I will join a gym and work out faithfully three times a week.  Maybe twice a week – at least at first.  Maybe.

I’ll learn to cook gourmet dishes and serve meals that include all the basic food groups—fruits, vegetables, grains, protein, dairy—and chocolate.

In 2015, I resolve to read every book on the NY Times bestseller list and see every hit play and movie.  Since I have some catching up to do, I’ll start with The Canterbury Tales, Oklahoma and Birth of a Nation.

I will send out thank you notes and acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries on or before the date.  I will buy greeting cards in advance just as I did in 2014.  This year I resolve to remember where I put them.

I will give up cake, cookies, croissants and cheese to lower my cholesterol.  (Have you noticed that things beginning with “C” can be dangerous to your health?)

I will learn to salsa, hip hop and do the XL Stroll (found that one on the ‘Net) once I’ve mastered the Chicken Dance.

I will have more patience with people who clog up my e-mail with dumb jokes. On second thought, maybe I won’t.

I will make my columns kinder, gentler, fuzzier and warmer in the year 2015 – if I can find a surgeon who does lobotomies.

In the interests of honesty, I’ll let my hair grow back to its natural color.  (I should be platinum blonde by spring.)

©2015 HARRIET POSNAK LESSER

You May Also Like: 

Weight Loss in the New Year

Blew Your New Year’s Resolutions? New Research Says You’re Not Alone

Of New Year’s Resolutions, Fitness Tips and Epsom Salts. Yes, Epsom Salts.

Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.