I was recently looking through my Instagram feed and saw a beautiful photograph of one of the women on the Real Housewives of New York. (Yes, I watch that show. Nope, I’m not embarrassed about it. While I don’t like it when the women bicker and fight, I love peeking inside their homes, closets and lives as they live them in my favorite city in the world.)
Recently, one of the Housewives posted a lovely photo of herself in which she was decked out for a night on the town. Her hair was newly highlighted and I think she was wearing extensions. Her outfit showed some cleavage and an expanse of leg and she looked glamorous, sexy and happy. It was obvious that she was proud of her appearance because she shared the photo with her followers. But, when I started to read the comments, I became absolutely horrified. Some posters were kinder than others and offered backhanded compliments like “you look good for your age” and “I’m younger than you and I wouldn’t show that much leg, but it looks good on you” to outright name calling. The brutality, at worst, and thoughtlessness, at best, of some of the commenters’ words was hurtful – and these are supposedly fans, otherwise why follow her on social media? All of the comments I read were posted by women, or those with female profiles. (You never can really tell on social media who is who.) It made me think twice about some of the compliments I’ve received and given.
“BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS CAN SHATTER INSTEAD OF FLATTER” – From the RoC Skincare Website
I always try to be careful with my words. I try to intuit the effect they’ll have on people. I’ve received a few backhanded compliments recently: “you look great for a new grandma,” “I wouldn’t wear that lipstick, but it looks good on you,” “I wouldn’t wear my hair that long but you’ve got the face for it.” Huh? These words are supposed to be complimentary? They obviously were not and they obviously hurt or I’d have forgotten them by now. But they stayed with and made me question the motives behind the words. You know that expression “with friends like these, who needs enemies?” Yeah, like that.
“THE TIME TO TURN THE PAGE ON ‘FOR YOUR AGE’ IS NOW” – From the RoC Skincare Website
RoC Skincare, a favorite brand of mine, is on a mission to have us all “think twice” before we offer compliments that, intentionally or not, are not compliments at all but thinly veiled insults. “You look good for your age” is a case in point. To whom would you say that? Would you tell a 20-year old woman that she looks good for her age? Highly doubtful but how many women of a certain age – and no, I can’t even specify what that age might be – have heard those words? They’re hurtful, not a compliment at all. For your age … Think about those words. Do they mean I’m supposed to look shriveled up, wizened, prune-like, OLD? Why can’t the person giving the compliment say, “You look good,” and leave it at that? Qualifying those three words turns what was intended as a compliment into a hurtful insult.
Let’s all think twice about how we speak – or write – to people. A compliment is given in admiration, to let the recipient know you think highly of something about them. Compliments are also often part of our daily interactions and should be given with civility and grace. Just thinking about the meaning of those words elevates me and makes me want to soothe the world with my words.
I do think there’s a lot to this Think Twice campaign. Giving true, meaningful compliments makes the recipient feel good about him or herself and it makes the giver feel good too. So, let’s think twice before we quality good sentiment with bad.
Learn more about RoC Skincare’s Think Twice #foryourage campaign, with spokesperson Thandie Newton, here: https://www.rocskincare.com/for-your-age
And, while you’re at it, check out some of their products. I use them every day and wouldn’t consider leaving the house without their RoC Multi Correxion 5 in 1 Daily Moisturizer with Sunscreen Broad Spectrum 30. Check out their broad range of moisturizers, cleansers, eye creams and other great products and I’m sure you’ll see why I love them so much.
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