According to a new poll, most viewers are pleased with the way cable TV networks are covering the news. Well, count again fellas. Here’s one avid newsnik who disagrees.
My main complaint is those video streamers that move non-stop across the lower part of the screen. I’m getting a stiff neck from staring at the talking head in the main frame and trying to follow the bottom banner where the really important stuff is being reported. It’s like watching a vertical tennis match.
Here’s how it goes: You turn on your set and there’s an anchorperson from one of the major news networks (doesn’t matter which one, they’re all pretty much the same) interviewing a guest expert about his favorite topic “How Safe Are Americans in Today’s Unsettled World?”
Anchorperson: I know you’re a busy man, General, so thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
General B. Fuddled (Ret.): That’s okay. I always keep my musket loaded in case of last minute emergencies. Besides, it was a cold lunch day at the center.
Anchor: In your opinion, General, how safe is the average American in this constantly changing world?
General: Not safe at all. There’s scurvy, beri-beri, quinsy, and getting kicked in the face by your horse.
Meanwhile, the video streamer on the bottom of the screen is reporting that … Scottish scientists have captured the Loch Ness monster … Amelia Earhart has been found alive and well and living in Shangri La with Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Michael Jackson … Aliens have landed in a Kansas cornfield …
Anchor: Could an infected suicidal terrorist walk into a crowded shopping center or subway and sicken thousands of people who in turn would infect others?
General: Maybe. So when you see someone covered with spots, offer him a bottle of Clearasil. If he turns you down, you know he’s a real bioterrorist and not a teenager with problem skin.
Meanwhile, the streamer on the bottom of the screen is reporting that … Researchers have invented a pill that cures every major illness known to humankind … An abominable snowman and his equally hairy mate were spotted in a Social Security office in Idaho … A herd of unicorns was found in Arizona … Bald Aliens with huge eyes have eaten their way through Kansas and are crossing the border into Missouri …
Anchor: As a military man with a long history of service, what steps would you take to keep America safe?
General: Defeat the enemy in the field like we did in the old days. Line ‘em up with flintlocks pointed at each other and let ‘em go at it.
Anchor: I’m not really sure what you mean.
General: Line ‘em up means line ‘em up. Blue on one side, gray on the other.
Meanwhile, the streamer on the bottom of the screen is reporting that … New DNA evidence suggests that George Washington may have been a woman … A chocolate bar that keeps people young forever will soon be available in stores … The aliens who ate Kansas and Missouri have teamed up with the Abominable Snowman and woman and at last report were heading across the country …
Anchor: We’ve run out of time, General, but I hope you’ll come back soon to discuss the all important topic of “How Safe Are We? (Two).”
General: Call on me any day but Wednesday. We play Bingo on Wednesday. Hey, your next guests just walked in. Funny that such a hairy couple should have all those bald, big-eyed kids.
©2016HARRIET LESSER
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.