Time to get rid of the ‘spring’ in your step and catch up with the season. Here are my style and fashion resolutions for Summer 2016.
I will lose 20 pounds by the weekend, so I don’t look like a bag of potatoes in the see through top I bought after Christmas last year.
I totally resolve to stop buying out-of- season clothing on sale. And this time I mean it! (Note to self: Maybe.)
I will train my toes to grow straight across to fit into the new square toe shoes trending for the Fall.
I will update my wardrobe and get rid of clothes I haven’t worn in the past two years. Except for the really good stuff. (Note to reader: See next resolution.)
I will search my cedar closet for the flower print culottes I wore when the First Lady came to town. (I think Mrs. Nixon was really impressed by my sense of style.)
(Re: Above item. In case you’re wondering, culottes have nothing to do with cutlets. At least, I don’t think they do.)
I will emulate the younger generation and buy a camouflage outfit — with makeup and nail polish to match.
I will treat myself to something made of faux leather. (Note to self: Like maybe a new couch or lounge chair.)
I will eat only healthy foods like broccoli and blue berries. I will buy clothing to complement my new teal blue complexion.
I will join a gym, lift weights and do 60 tummy crunches every night. (Note to self: Eat a lot of chocolate cookies to keep strength up.)
I will take hip hop lessons. Anyone know where I can find the Easter Bunny?
I will buy one of those very expensive but useless little handbags that hold absolutely nothing. (I will add it to my growing collection of very expensive but useless little handbags that hold absolutely nothing.)
I will get a chic 2016 lob haircut – soon as I can figure out what a lob haircut is. (Note to self. DO NOT confuse ‘lob’ with lox.)
I will change my lipstick color. Tangee Natural just doesn’t cut it any more.
©2016 HARRIET POSNAK LESSER
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.