With TV’s midseason now in full swing, I’ve decided to fulfill a lifelong dream and become a television show contestant. If you’re thinking Jeopardy or Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader – WRONG! Here’s a copy of the letter I recently sent to CBS.
Dear Jeff Probst,
Heard you’re holding casting calls for Survivor contestants. Well, check this out. I’m kind of short, kind of flabby, a non-swimmer, totally uncoordinated, terrified of anything that crawls and I failed high school Phys. Ed. four years in a row. I’d be perfect for your show and here’s why.
I only get two weeks vacation, so I can’t hang around to win the million. I’m bringing my own pup tent, a mini-freezer and a supply of diet dinners – as well as a couple of Olympic athletes. (I like to leave as little margin for error as possible.) While I’m a bit of a loner, I’m not a party pooper. You can count me in for events like mud wrestling or boxing. (I’m great at wrapping presents.) And I’m a definite for the wet T-shirt contest long as I can wear my waterproof padded bra. I also like tag teams. Great way to compare prices on sale items.
I’m a little picky when it comes to food, so forget about serving bug larvae while I’m there; but I’ll eat all the non-furry caterpillars and gummy worms you can dish out, especially the strawberry- flavored ones.
BTW, I’ve been to television tapings before, so I know the ropes. I’m not afraid of being marooned on a desert island with 28 camera men, 10 directors, 3 producers, a humongous technical crew, 6 makeup artists and 4 catering trucks from Wolfgang Puck.
I mean, like this whole Survivor thing is a big put-on – right? It’s just a CBS ploy to aggravate Alex Trebek. Who’s going to believe that those 16 “castaways” are faced with daily life or death situations? Personally, I’d rather rile up a crocodile than a New York City bus driver.
And there’s something else. I won’t be attending any tribal councils, thank you very much. The girls in my weekly mah jongg group are scary enough. And besides, I’ve learned enough new dances to get me through summer at the beach club, provided I can get my hips to hop or is it the other way around? Whatever.
Well, Jeff, that’s my case for why I’d make a great Survivor. But if you turn me down, I have a terrific idea for a reality show of my own. It’s called More of the Lessers: Survival in Suburbia. Move in with me for 24 hours and film everything I do. Here’s the spin. The lucky viewer who’s still awake at the end of the day, gets a million bucks.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
H.L.
Copyright 2016 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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mwah! love this!! mom – funny as ever!
Haha! I love this one too. My mom is funny but, don’t tell her I said so, she’s totes cray! But, of course, in the best possible way. xo
I love all Harriet’s stories. They are just like her. Clever, lovable and funny.
Yes, they are – and she is! xo, Melody