I absolutely adore fashion and I desperately try to follow the latest trends, but I don’t have the taste or the creds to be a real fashionista. Clothes horse? Maybe. But at barely 5 foot 2 inches and ?? pounds (pull out my matte black fingernails with tweezers and I still won’t tell) I will never be mistaken for Gigi Hadid.
I spent the last three weeks poring through fashion magazines to get a handle on what They will be wearing. I don’t know who They are or how They got to set the standards, but I admit They intimidate me. I once sent a letter to They but it came back address unknown.
After doing tons of research, I came up with some answers. Ugly shoes are out. Sandals and brogues are in. Fuchsia hair is a thing of the past, but if you must color something, dye your armpits. (This is for real, dear readers, you can’t make up this stuff.)
Thanks to Beyonce, booty baring is hot, hot, HOT – unless the thermometer dips below 33 degrees and then you’ll be cold, cold, COLD. The good news is that most jails keep their temps up. Long dresses embellished with lace and ruffles appear in many designer collections, but I can’t figure out how to combine that look with a bare booty.
Stripes in clothing and accessories are the dominant darlings of many designers this spring. Considering the bare booty thing, that makes a lot of sense. (See jail reference above. ) In keeping with the dominant 90’s trend, fanny packs are making a return. (See bare booty reference above.)
Off the shoulder dresses and tops are making a comeback Fringes are soooo 2015 and have been replaced with floor length tassels, and strings that hang down to the ground.
Now for the really good news that many of you have been waiting for. Pajamas are a de rigeur fashion this spring. Think of the time saved for busy women everywhere. Out of bed and zip, into the workplace looking like you skipped all the fuss and bother – as well as your morning shower.
As for colors, looks like the pales are back according to the so-called experts; but they had not yet seen Michele Obama, stunning in her bright yellow SOTU dress or Jennifer Lopez in her sexy yellow gown at the recent Golden Globes. Welcome back Chiquita Banana! Your days in the spotlight are just beginning – again. (Anybody remember the words to the CB song, which dates back to 1944? I had to look them up, but I came away with the important reminder that putting bananas in the refrigerator is a definite no-no.)
That’s about it for now. Getting ready for a lunch date with “the girls”. I’m wearing bright yellow pajamas with drawstring pants and I’m carrying a matching fanny pack for when I undo the drawstring. Those leatherette seats can be very uncomfortable.
Copyright 2016 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.