The big news this week is that feminism is back! And we can thank power personalities like Hillary Clinton, Tsai Ing-wen, the first female president of Taiwan, and Kathryn Smith, the first woman football coach in the history of the sport. The time has come to de-masculinize and/or neuter the language, turning it into what I call ‘Mulenglish.’
Let’s begin with some popular names and places. Norman would become Norperson and Herman would be changed to Herperson or Hisperson, depending on the gender of the namee. The Atlas would list places like Personagua (instead of Managua) Nicaragua; Personhattan, New York; Personitoba, Canada and Womanchester, England. Residents of Berlin and its environs would be called Gerpersons because they would all live in Gerpersony. The Isle of Man would be known as the Isle of Person, Manchuria would be Personchuria and Oman, Jordan, would be Operson, Jordan, or maybe Jordanielle.
In the interests of sexual equality, Panama would be renamed Panapa and Manila would be changed to Personila but it would still be the capital of the Phyllisippines.
The impact on the animal world would be just as far reaching. With a little monkeying around, the mandrill would become the womandrill. Baboon would apply to females only; males would be called bob-oons. The sea cow would no longer be a manatee but a womanatee. Now that makes a lot of sense.
We’d be listening to music by Henry Personcini, Barry Personilow, Melissa Personchester and Chuck Persongione, not to mention the talented Hisbie Personn, who used to be Herbie Mann.
Lovers of sports nostalgia would reflect on Yankees star Mickey Persontle — that great race horse, Person ‘o War — Personolete, the most famous bull and cowfighter in the world — and pugilist Jack Dempsey, who was known as “The Personassa Mauler.”
Comic book fans would be affected as well. Mandrake the Magician would be turned into Personduck the Pa or Ma-gician and Fu Man Chu would become Fu Person Chu, so as not to offend his arch enemies, Doe and Buck Rogers.
I could go on, but I’m afraid somebody out there will commit personslaughter with me as the target. So let’s forget about Mulenglish altogether. My head is beginning to hurt and I’m sorry I ever womentioned it in the first place!
Copyright 2016 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.