Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to a happy, healthy, peaceful and prosperous New Year! And, if you haven’t made your New Year resolutions yet, here are a few ideas from Harriet Posnak Lesser. There’s nothing like starting the New Year off with a laugh! – Melody Lesser
I resolve to lose another 100 pounds this year. (I dropped the same 10 pounds 10 times last year. Figure it out.)
Disregard first resolution. Instead of losing another 100 pounds, I resolve to grow six inches.
I will stop wearing bright red lipstick. (It’s back? Never mind.)
I will eat healthier foods like salads, cereals, nuts and fudge (only the kind with nuts in it.)
I will be more tolerant of others. Some others, but not the others I really don’t like.
I will never again be seen in public with straggly hair and chipped nail polish.
I will invest in a new beret and gloves. (See resolution above.)
I resolve to stop walking the dog with my hair in pin curls and nothing but moisturizer on my face. (It scares the other animals and absolutely terrorizes their owners.)
I will adopt another cat.
I will learn a foreign language. (How do you say, “I love you” in Meow?)
I will become proficient in Hip-Hop, although there’ll probably be more Hip than Hop. (Refer back to first resolution.)
I will be polite to everyone at all times – except maybe those !@#%^ telemarketers who keep trying to sell me a free cruise.. (How can you sell anybody a FREE cruise? C’mon!)
I will get rid of clothing I haven’t worn for the past 40 years. (The elephant bells will definitely go, but I may hold on to the midi skirts and gaucho pants a little while longer.)
I will not lose my temper or use bad language, no matter how p—-d off I get. **!!^%$!
I will join a gym and work out faithfully three times a week. Maybe twice a week. Maybe. Or maybe I should just give up on this resolution.
I’ll learn to cook gourmet dishes and serve meals that include all the basic food groups—fruits, vegetables, grains, protein, dairy—and chocolate.
In 2016, I resolve to read every book on the NY Times bestseller list and see every hit play and movie. Since I have some catching up to do, I’ll start with Beowulf, Oklahoma and The Great Train Robbery. I will resist temptation and not read The Decameron – again.
I will send out thank you notes and acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries on or before the date. I will buy greeting cards in advance just as I did in 2015. This year I resolve to remember where I put them.
I will give up cake, cookies, croissants and cheese to lower my cholesterol. (Have you noticed that things beginning with “C” can be dangerous to your health?)
I will have more patience with people who clog up my e-mail with dumb jokes. On second thought, nah.
I will make my columns kinder, gentler, fuzzier and warmer in the year 2016– if I can find a surgeon who still does lobotomies.
I’ll let my hair grow back to its natural color. (I should be platinum blonde by spring.)
I will continue my admirable way of being truthful always. (Can we make that most of the time?)
I’m going to add spirulina to my everyday diet. (Don’t know what spirulina is? Look it up. I’m too tired.)
©2015 and/or 2016 HARRIET POSNAK LESSER
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.