Have you heard about caffeine chewing gum? Could be good news for those hooked on coffee and/or other stuff. Herewith some ideas for similar products:
VIAGRA VIOLETS … Hey guys, now you can chew your way to a better sex life. Take our jumbo size pack on your honeymoon or — our economical mini size pack on your second honeymoon. New off-color joke included with each purchase. (Did you hear the one about the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his ear? And … Never mind.)
HAPPY HOUR HIC STIX … Picked yourself up from the gutter once too often? Satisfy those alcohol cravings with Happy Hour gum. Choose from Martini, Rob Roy or Scotch on the rocks. Short on bucks? Try our Ripple flavor. Stop getting drunk in bars. Do it yourself at home with Hic Stix. Cheers. And remember, don’t chew and drive.
PEPPERMINT POT … Now available in four delicious flavors, including, Reefer Raspberry, Mini Munchies, and Peach Cheech and Bong Chong. (Worth the trip. You can toke our word on that.)
NICOTINE NOSHIES … Hooked on cigarettes? Sick of burn holes in your clothes and tobacco crud in your handbag? Skip the middle man. One stick of this delicious gum will flood your body with nicotine. No tars, no additives and no second-hand smoke. Chew guilt free. You’ll be sorry you did. (Warning: This gum could be dangerous to your health. But then, so could the surgeon general.)
LSD LOLLIPOPS … Trip back to the 1960s with this new taste treat. Revisit Vietnam, Haight-Ashbury and Woodstock without ever leaving your pad, man. Save those wrappers and earn great prizes like a lava lamp, a bean bag chair, a black strobe light or a set of his and hers love beads. Those were the daze.
NEMBUTAL NIBBLES … Masticate your way to a good night’s sleep. Forget about warm milk and counting sheep. Do the molar mash and wake up feeling absolutely terrible.Not to worry, we can get you back on track. All you need is that caffeine gum we mentioned at the beginning of this column.
Copyright 2015 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.