An article in this month’s Old England Journal of Medicine disputes an article in last month’s Old England Journal of Medicine stating that overweight people are healthier and live longer. The newest findings are based on research by a team of scientists led by Chris Christie. They maintain that any woman over five feet four inches tall and weighing 125 pounds or less, faces a serious health risk. The results were supported by fellow researcher Mick Jagger who pointed out that a Rolling Stone gathers no (Kate) Moss.
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A recent report in Celebrity Health Magazine, finds that living longer is the main cause of wrinkles. A survey of 156 Japanese high school students, conducted by Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, (yes, they’re back together, at least they were five minutes ago) confirms the startling results and supports the case for youth in Asia.
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In a related development, Dr. Antonio Garbanzo maintains that eating 500 chick peas a day will cure athlete’s foot, hang nails, hives, falafel fever and chick pea addiction.
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This week’s National Nosy Magazine features a story titled, “I Am the Illegitimate Son of Bat Man.” The writer’s claims are supported by his longtime female companion who was born with the face of a dog, the body of a chicken and the feet of a platypus. (See unretouched photo). Meanwhile, Batman has called his accuser a fly-by-night, which some consider an admission of guilt.
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In a surprise announcement, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has named Martha Stewart as his new police commissioner. Ms. Stewart says she will clean up the department using her microfiber floor mop, 600 pounds of homemade potpourri, and a million yards of flowered chintz. In addition, police officers will be asked to turn in their guns, which will be replaced by adorable hand painted replicas of Colonial flintlocks.
Copyright 2015 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.