Ah, left-handed compliments. They’re the ones where you think you’re being complimented but when you get home you realize that the flatterer embedded a knife in your back. We’ve all received them; some of us have even given them. Here, Harriet Posnak Lesser, my decorous and ladylike mother, tells us how to decipher left-handed compliments. (And I mean those flattering adjectives in the most right-handed way.) – Melody Lesser
Flattery Will Get You Nowhere by Harriet Posnak Lesser
We used to call them left-handed compliments – flattery with a double-edged zing. Here are some examples accompanied by their true meanings:
You look good today … (You looked terrible yesterday. Ditto the day before and the day before that, etc.)
Did you lose weight? … (I hear Sea World is hiring a new whale.)
Love your bangs … (Now let your hair grow really long to hide the rest of your face.)
You should always wear that color … (You’re absolutely ghastly in everything else.)
You must have been adorable when you were younger … (Too bad you had to spoil it by growing up.)
You look like a movie star … (Wonder what Daisy Duck is doing nowadays.)
Your generation had the right idea … (Although the Spanish American War may have been a mistake.)
I hope I look as good as you do when I’m your age … (Are you on a weekend pass from the nursing home?)
Love your outfit. Where’d you buy it? … (My great-grandmother would love to know.)
You have such a lovely profile … (Who did the nose job?)
I can tell you belong to a gym … (I’m just confused about what you do there.)
I found a great new diet – not that you need it … (Can you take a hint, thunder thighs?)
You’re the only woman here who hasn’t had a facelift … (Would you like the name of my plastic surgeon?)
You take such great photos … (You sure don’t look like that in person.)
What’s your secret for staying young?… (I don’t want to make the same mistakes.)
Heads turn when you walk into a room … (Most people would rather look at a blank wall.)
Where did you buy those shoes? … (My husband’s in the market for a new canoe.)
Your home has that lived-in look … (Don’t you ever clean?)
Nobody else could wear that dress … (Where did you find an army tent with a turtle neck?)
How do you manage to always look so great?.. (Heaven knows the odds are against you.)
You must have been a beautiful baby … (When did you get run over by the bulldozer?)
Can I have your meat loaf recipe? … (I’ll destroy it and save humanity.)
copyright 2014 HARRIET POSNAK LESSER
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“IN”style By Harriet Posnak Lesser
Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.