When I was a young newlywed living in an apartment in New York City, I became friends with a neighbor who was about my age. She had a beautiful baby daughter and a husband who I didn’t meet until we’d been friends for some time. She rarely talked about him. I knew his name and that was about all. She was a stay at home mom and, after my workday was over, I’d sometimes visit her and the baby. She was always vacuuming her apartment, saying she had to get it ready for her husband who didn’t like her to clean in front of him. I thought that was odd, but nothing more. If I asked her to join me for a cup of coffee outside the apartment she’d decline saying she had to be home for her husband who refused to bring a house key with him when he’d leave. I thought that was odd too. She always had to be home for him, to wait on him, to cook for him. If she wanted to take a walk in the neighborhood or get her nails done, she had to do it around her husband’s schedule. If the baby was sick and needed to go to the pediatrician, she had to wait for him to get home. While she spoke of being happy with her new baby, it seemed that she was afraid of her husband. I tried to talk about it with her but she closed up. I didn’t persist.
As my friendship with this woman deepened, I came to realize the kind of relationship she was in. Her husband abused her. When I finally met him, he seemed charming and friendly but there was something in the way he treated her, even in the company of others, that made my skin crawl. As the weeks wore on, my friend became more distant. I’d see her occasionally in the lobby of the building but we hardly visited anymore. I chalked it up to the fact that we were in different places in our lives. I was building my career; she was raising a young daughter. I had an active social life; she and her husband preferred to stay home. Friendships change. It was just one of those things.
One day I received a phone call from my friend who was at the police station. Her husband had attacked her physically. She told me that he had broken her arm and had beaten her head against the tiled bathroom wall until she passed out. When she came to, he was gone. Somehow she got to the hospital and then to the police station where she’d filed a restraining order against him.
I took her home and we talked for hours, sharing many of the experiences of her marriage from the early psychological and verbal abuse to the more recent physical violence. Her objective in staying with him was for the sake of their daughter.
After the restraining order, her husband went to live with his family on Long Island although he constantly threatened to take their daughter and move to another state. My friend became more distant and didn’t respond to my calls. When I’d call, it was obvious that she didn’t want to talk or get together. Shortly afterwards, she went to live with her parents in another state. Her husband followed her. She told me they reunited for a while and then we lost touch completely.
At the time this took place, thirty years ago, domestic abuse wasn’t talked about, as far as I recall. It wasn’t written about in magazines or newspapers, at least not to the extent that it is today. There were no TV shows that shed light on it and, perhaps it was me and my lack of worldliness at that age, but domestic abuse hadn’t entered my consciousness. I admit that the details of this story are fuzzy. It happened years ago and my retelling of it is probably inaccurate due not only to the passing of time but also because it was my friend’s relationship and she guarded it fiercely.
I think about my friend sometimes and hope that she and her daughter have been happy and safe over the years.
Here are some facts from The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 1
An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. 2
85% of domestic violence victims are women. 3
Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. 7
30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household. 8
Almost one-third of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner. 14
Domestic violence is one of the most chronically underreported crimes. 20
For more information or to get help, please call:
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673
THE NATIONAL TEEN DATING ABUSE HOTLINE AT 1-866-331-9474
The following infographic from Beauty Cares, an organization that is committed to breaking the cycle of intimate partner or domestic abuse affecting teens, women and children, shows how to recognize the eight warning signs of an abusive relationship. Their programs and campaigns encourage dialogue about healthy relationships and partner abuse. It’s stated on their website that “Beauty Cares recognizes that many teens and women believe domestic violence is only physical abuse between two people who live together – an extremely dangerous misconception that puts millions of lives at risk. Domestic abuse and teen dating violence also includes mental and emotional abuse, and an abusive person can make you feel afraid or even ruin your life without ever laying on a hand on you.”
(I can’t make the infographic larger without words falling off the screen. Please enlarge it on your computer so you can read it easily. Thank you – Melody)
If you or someone you know is suffering domestic abuse or teen dating violence, there’s help: Call 1 800-799-SAFE right away.
Sources for the above statistics:
1 Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,” (2000).
2 Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.
3 Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003
7 Break the Cycle. (2006). Startling Statistics.
8 Strauss, Gelles, and Smith, “Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence” in 8,145 Families. Transaction Publishers (1990).
4 Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reports “Crime in the United States, 2000,” (2001).
20 U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Criminal Victimization,” 2003.
