Deadline Diary by Harriet Posnak Lesser

I am my mother’s daughter, except for me it’s Doritos and Hershey’s with almonds. Otherwise, yup, this is about right. This is for anyone who’s ever had to meet a deadline.

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DEADLINE DIARY by Harriet Posnak Lesser

I’m often asked how I manage to come up with a new column every week.  As a longtime professional journalist, I am happy to share my expertise with the world.  Here’s how it’s done:

Four Days Before Column Deadline:  Grab self by scruff of neck. Sit self down at desk. Turn on computer.  Stare at monitor screen. Wait for ideas. Nothing. Eat four Mallomars.  Eat four more Mallomars.  Check e-mail. The Uzbekistan Tax Department wants to send me a $500,000 refund in exchange for my Social Security number. (Special memo to self. Do not forward Uzbekistan Tax Department e-mail to 300 of my best friends ever again.) Finish half-eaten box of Fig Newtons.  Install Felix, virtual cat, and Bubbles, virtual goldfish. Turn off computer.  Column idea will come tomorrow

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Three Days Before Column Deadline:  Turn on computer.  Stare at monitor.  Feed Felix, virtual cat, feed Bubbles, virtual goldfish.  Think!  Fight frustration and hostility.  Feed Bubbles, virtual goldfish, to Felix, virtual cat. Eat two Snickers bars. Play game of Candy Crush. Play another game of Candy Crush.  Try to relax. Type tentative column lead-in from which further brilliance will flow.  “The quick red fox jumps over the lazy brown dog.”  Nah. Go to cupboard for bag of chips.  Resume staring contest with computer monitor.  Blink first.  Turn off computer. Column idea will come tomorrow.

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Two Days Before Column Deadline:  Turn on computer.  Time running out.  Think funny thoughts.  Re-install Bubbles, virtual goldfish.  Log on to QVC. Log off. Go to free stuff sites.  Order weeping John Boehner screen saver, sample of chocolate covered garlic knots and info on how to use a manure spreader.  Skip all-expense paid trip to Kabul. Check out newspapers on line.  Search for something funny. Log on to fashion mags.  Inspiration hits!  Type,  “Camouflage outfits and matching combat boots are de rigueur for fall/winter 2014.”  Not funny! Turn off computer.  Column idea will come tomorrow.

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One Day before Column Deadline:  Turn on computer.  Stare at monitor. Feed Felix, virtual cat, to Bubbles, virtual goldfish. Eat eight mallomars and two Snickers bars.  Check e-mail. Log on to free stuff sites.  Order smiling John Boehner screen saver, sample of chocolate covered sardines, and the world’s smallest book,  “Justin Bieber’s Most Notable Quotes.” Eat one box of Fig Newtons and all ten fingernails. Play five games of Candy Crush. Hyperventilate.  Chew on toenails.  Turn off computer.  Column idea will come tomorrow.

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Deadline Day:  ……………………  Inspiration at last.  Check out above.

©2014 HARRIET LESSER

ABOUT HARRIET LESSER

Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’sThe South Shore Record and Nassau Herald,   The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.

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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.