Weather or Not by Harriet Lesser

I love word play and few people do it better than Harriet Posnak Lesser. Enjoy …

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Who said,“Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it”? If you answered Mark Twain – you’re wrong.  It was written by Twain’s friend and fellow writer Charles Dudley Warner.  Twain quoted the line during a lecture and it was erroneously credited to him thereafter.  So because everybody still talks about the weather, but few understand it (as evidenced by the recent disastrous rain storm that escaped the attention of meteorological experts) here is a brief primer on weather terms:

CLIMATE …  What Sir Edmund Hilary did when he saw Mt. Everest.

AIR MASS …  Church services on board a plane.

ISOBAR     …  “I saw the saloon.”

VAPOR …  A dangerous snake or a really mean person.

WEATHER VANE … A TV weather guy with a big ego and a bad toupee.

FOGGY … Kiss him and he turns into a beautiful sunny day.

DEW …  The opposite of dewn’t.

MISTRAL …  How some criminals get off.  (See “Law and Order: Criminal Intent.”)

TRADE WIND … What politicians do when they get together.

SATELLITE …  What your average couch potato did yesterday.

CYCLONE …     Dolly the sheep’s male relatives.

MEAN SEA LEVEL … Remember Sandy?

DROUGHT … Past tense of draw.

COLD FRONT …  See Blurred Lines video.

COLD LOW … Ditto.

DENSE FOG  … A really dumb fog.

PSYCHROMETER … An out-of-control barometer.

CLIMATE CHANGE … Going up Mount Everest backwards.

HUMIDITY …  Characteristic of a humble person.

PREVAILING WESTERLY … John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and The Lone Ranger.

ACID RAIN … We’re talking the 1970s when LSD was king.

CONDENSATION … Looking down on other people.

COASTAL … A little coast.

MOISTURE … Yiddish for Moe, Morris or Murray.

Copyright 2014 Harriet Posnak Lesser

ABOUT HARRIET POSNAK LESSER

Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.

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