From Atkins to the Master Cleanse to eating grapefruit, cookies or cereal, fad diets abound. Sure, some have greater longevity than others and may remain popular for a while but, when people learn that it doesn’t work, it disappears -only to be replaced by another fad diet. In the case of weight loss, slow and steady is the way to go. But we want a quick fix, a magic bullet and the next fad diet that REALLY works may be just around the next supermarket aisle. (Please, please, pretty please with an artificially-sweetened cherry on top!) But, yeah, we know better. Here, Harriet Posnak Lesser presents her take on fad dieting.
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Diet Dilemma
With summer just around the corner, women everywhere are asking the same question “How can I lose ten pounds by the weekend?”
I was learning to live with my added winter weight when the unthinkable happened. I was invited to a pool party. All was lost. Well, maybe not all. Months of gorging on comfort food had doubled my waist size. So I called my pal Slim, an expert on fad diets. Slim has been on some kind of weight loss plan since she was three days old. I met her for lunch last week following several futile attempts to squeeze into my circa 1994 bikini. “I need a diet immediately,” I said. “What’s shaking — other than my thighs, I mean.”
Slim popped a grape slice into her mouth and reached into her portfolio where she carries a copy of every diet ever made. She scrutinized me carefully and searched through her files for what seemed like an eternity. I got so nervous that I ate six croissants, four sweet muffins, and half a package of diet crackers. (I had trouble unzipping the cellophane.)
“I see that you’re a carbohydrate addict,” she said.
“How did you know?” I asked, shaking croissant crumbs out of my hair extensions.
“Years of practice,” Slim said confidently. “That’s why I’m recommending the world famous fat and protein diet created by the renowned Dr. Barton Barf. All you eat for one week are pork rinds, chicken skin, candied kale and lots of real butter with no bread under it. You must also put at least three tablespoons of sweet cream in your coffee — on the days you’re not drinking olive oil, of course.”
“I went on that diet years ago and I kept sliding off the couch. Any revisions?”
“You can now eat unthawed sushi. Or you can put it in your blender and make a shake.”
“Not for me. I lost 15 pounds in three days and gained it all back one hour after I went off the diet.”
“How about the Skinny Celebrity Diet? Angelina Jolie went from a size four to a minus zip. All you need is a bushel of lemons and a hand juice squeezer. You may get a bit weak but the exercise will do wonders for your knuckles.”
“I don’t think so,” I gurgled, fighting a sudden case of acidosis.
“You’re probably right. There are side effects. Jennifer Aniston loved it, but Gwyneth Paltrow got boils and Miley Cyrus still can’t get her tongue back in her mouth.
“There’s always the ‘Survivor: Africa’ Bug Diet,” Slim said. “Bugs are very high in protein and you’re guaranteed to lose 25 pounds in a week. But if you’re ticklish, I’ll look for something else.”
“I’d appreciate it,” I said, making a vain attempt to scratch my tonsils.
“All right. I didn’t want to suggest this, but here goes. This diet is so new, even Keira Knightley hasn’t seen it. I’m talking about the revolutionary life changing Slosh Power System!”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me more.”
“You’re allowed only water. No solid food at all. Take a swig whenever you feel hungry. It’s guaranteed not to interfere with your lifestyle. When you’re out lunching with friends, you can glug up from your designer water bottle while they’re gorging themselves on quinoa. How cool is that?”
“What are we talking about? Three days? A week?”
“You’ll know when to stop. But just in case, here’s a tip. Watch your ankles. That’s where the scales show up first. The gills will disappear gradually.”
©2014HARRIET LESSER
ABOUT HARRIET LESSER
Harriet Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.