An Open Letter to Pets Everywhere by Harriet Posnak Lesser

I love the way my mom writes. Her columns always have me laughing out loud but I think she’s outdone herself with this one – and it’s not just because she’s my mom or because I’m a diehard animal lover. What do you think?

***************************************************************

AN OPEN LETTR TO PETS EVERYWHERE

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Putting a paw print, painted or real, in the middle of my dish does not give you claim to the contents.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I tumble faster than you can run.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you in there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and attempt to pull the door open. Please note, I have been using the bathroom for years — your attendance is not required.

No, I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am truly sorry about this. Unlike humans, dogs and cats can curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible, i.e., sticking tails straight out and letting tongues hang out the other end to maximize space is insulting and gross.

Re: Showing affection. The proper order is kiss me, then sniff the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

On the plus side, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on my front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Animals:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Are easier to toilet train

3. Obey simple commands

4. Never want to drive the car

5. Don’t listen to loud music

6. Don’t take selfies

7. Don’t need the latest fashions

8. Don’t want to wear your clothes

9. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollars for college

And finally,

10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Copyright 2014 Harriet Posnak Lesser

ABOUT HARRIET POSNAK LESSER

Harriet Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

Jerky Treats Sicken Thousands of Dogs. What You Need to Know to Protect Yours … 

Pet Safety Tips

Buy A Collar; Save A Dog

Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.