Restaurant Manners by Harriet Posnak Lesser

Have plans for the extended weekend? Perhaps you’re heading to a local restaurant for dinner with friends or a lazy day holiday brunch.  You’ve gotta eat, right – but mind your manners. Following is Harriet Posnak Lesser‘s rebuke of people with bad table manners.  Double dip much? Read on …

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RESTAURANT MANNERS

Someday when I find the time, I’m going to write a book about restaurant etiquette.  I may even do a trilogy beginning with “Please Don’t Blow Your Nose in the Napkin.”  I’ll follow up with “Taking the Mystery Out of Serving Utensils” and “Keep Your &&^%~!# Fork Out of My Fajitas!”

Don’t get the wrong idea.  I’m not a manners maven.  I’m an ambidextrous dyslexic with reversed frontal lobes and my table manners are far from perfect.  I cut food with my left hand and eat with my right, not bothering to switch.  My left elbow was recently declared a deadly weapon.  Am I obsessive-compulsive?  No way — well, maybe a tad.

If you know a napkin noseblower, you’ve probably wondered, as I have – WHY?  I’ve come up with several possible reasons:

a) To gross out everyone else at the table.

b) It’s more genteel to use a napkin than a sleeve cuff – and it also saves cleaning costs.

c) Utter and complete contempt for the waitperson.

After years of study, I’m opting for “c” with “a” coming in a distant second.  If I’m right, that kind of behavior is even nastier than the abused napkin. It warrants a sharp kick in the shins or an indignant rebuke like, “Where were you raised – in a compost heap?”

While the N.N.B. is an extreme example of bad restaurant manners, there are others who belong in my trilogy.  I’m devoting a chapter to people who dump the roll basket in their purses or pockets and ask the waiter to bring more. I think I’ll share that section with the el cheapo chow hound who takes home a week’s supply of food from an “all-you-can-eat” buffet.  I know of one woman who gives her husband and kids insulated picnic bags before leaving the house.  On the other hand, taking home a doggie bag is perfectly fine, even if you don’t have a dog.

People with lethal cutlery are getting their own books.  We all know who they are:

a) The friend who wields her fork like a weapon and stabs food on other people’s plates.  (“I just wanted a little taste.”)

b) The guy who ignores the serving utensils and helps himself to the communal dish with his own (gag) fork.

c) The person who eats directly from the serving dish. (Yes, he or she does exist.)

I’ve gone hungry because of them.  Overreacting?  I don’t think so. My stomach churns and my throat closes up at the thought of food contaminated by somebody else’s saliva!

Thanks for reading.  I feel a lot better now. I hate to rush off, but I have to fix dinner for the dog.  We’re sharing a steak tonight.

©20014HARRIET POSNAK LESSER

ABOUT HARRIET LESSER

Harriet Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’sThe South Shore Record and Nassau Herald,   The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others. 

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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.